The Story Of My Fucking Life


Posted by ilbebe on December 15, 2008

4. I became comfortable with the communication of big ideas concerning morality through parable, metaphor, and outright parody. I dreamt of killing people every day, in manners wrought with symbolism and what I felt were significant ethical lessons that could be highly instructive, in theory. What differed from this alarming state of being from my former delusion/desire to actually be a violent person that made me feel good was that I understood these fantasies occurring within my own mind to be analogous to the legends we must create as cultures and individuals to rationalize our reality, increasingly conflicted as they seem to be in this modern age. These are the fables; there is no end of history. Let’s write one for the ages, I came to think.

In the summer of 2008, I became rather obsessed with two songs that had a divergent takes on different facets of a similar theme; “I Feel It All” by Leslie Feist, and “I Want To Break Free” by Queen.

I thought about how the Beatles just wanted to be free too, but expressed the sentiment in the more humble and direct fashion as calling for more love. I found myself increasingly prone to say “The B-side medley from Abbey Road! PLEASE!! Okay, maybe just Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight??” when people asked me what I wanted to listen to. I grasped the fact that the B-side of Abbey Road was a revolutionary development in rock and roll history; the creation of a medley of entirely original songs across an entire album side, as the most honest way to represent and uphold the legacy of the greatest band in so-called Western European popular culture, ever. Period. More influential than the Rolling Stones by a long shot. More influential than Dylan and the Beach Boys, and the Ramones, and the Queers. I saw that it could be done, that I Was Free, like Cat Power said. I watched a three-minute film clip of Chan giving an interview for the New York Times where she explained that music saved her life, and I cried and I cried and I knew I wasn’t afraid anymore. I didn’t fear myself anymore, didn’t fear failure, didn’t fear the future. My father worked for Caterpillar Machinery. I was my father’s son, and there was work to be done; a legacy to be undone, a war to be won, “Now I know I’m wanna win the war”, and God Knew I Wanted to be Free, and the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Overnight precipitation with more love at dawn.


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