The Story Of My Fucking Life


Posted by ilbebe on December 24, 2008

This is the tale of the incident of the Sno-cone at the Eureka Zoo. Our setting is in the spring of 2001, April maybe, and our protagonists are myself and my first girlfriend Kaydee. The day is brisk and the sky is partly cloudy. There is hardly anyone else at the zoo. Admission is free, and I stop at a cart near the front gate being attended by an uninterested blonde girl to buy a pre-packaged sno-cone which I come to discover is frozen nearly solid.

Kaydee and I have never been to the Eureka Zoo, and no one warned us how depressing it was. They claim to have the oldest chimp in the world there, a sad-looking bastard named Bill who, so I hear, is a)not the original Bill, and b)only sexually aroused by watching human workout videos. Bill bums me out, but Kaydee is more accepting of his loafing around in visible despair. The only time he raised his arms above his head I was sure he was asking his heavenly creator to get him out of his misery.

There was one other monkey cage with maybe five or six of some long-tailed crazy sons-of-bitches from South America. We saw two of them get in a fight while we were there that included one monkey biting the other’s protruding asshole flap and eliciting an awful noise from the bitee.

I was ready to leave after thirty minutes and do something, anything else but stay in that pit of hopelessness, when all of a sudden the clouds parted. I began to feel better. I took a lick of the Sno-cone I’d been carrying around for a half-hour, and discovered it was FINALLY soft enough to eat. In my elation, I squeezed the paper cone it was in too hard, and it plopped out on the ground as if I was in a Warner Brothers cartoon from the late 20’s. We got the fuck out.


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