The Story Of My Fucking Life


Posted by ilbebe on March 20, 2012

Bee-bee-cee, looking for that Hooker Creek Road…

With the advent of Spring tonight came deep feelings of malevolence, spurred on by my ongoing joblessness, etc. This led me on a rather amusing series of short conceptual leaps that led me from identifying these malevolent feelings to recalling the Everclear song ‘Malevolent’, from their first album, World of Noise, to thinking about a number of feelings I’ve been having about Portland recently. Why have I been thinking about Portland? Well, for one, I’ll be visiting Seattle soon, but not Portland, and for obvious reasons the two cities are linked in my mind, as they are in many, many other peoples’. And for two, it has been pissing buckets for the last week. Today was the first totally dry day since last Sunday, seven days ago. Ah, spring. Wonder the weather’s like in Puddletown.

Have you ever heard that nickname for the PDX? It’s based in the reality that  some years there are months on end where there’s not enough sun or warmth to dry out the puddles. I can only imagine how that picks away at the psyche. I would imagine it indeed contributes to the city’s preposterous Me-Decade-ish insistence on being positive when there are much more sound reasons to be negative. The steady barrage of foul weather the city receives for like eight months of the year is BOUND to get the best of a fair handful of the population, and I’m willing to argue for fifty-fifty as a possibly real ratio of people whose “Portland Cheer” is not rooted in very, very borderline personality disorders, and those for whom it is entirely composed of practically irreversible mental damage. The fact that town is so funky and weird, yet oddly self-obsessed and almost entirely without a sense of grunge-era humor about their self-obsession makes it nearly a form of high art that practically 101 percent of the town dresses like it’s 1995, and has since 1998. In 1995 I’m sure wraparound Rickey Henderson-style Oakleys were still all the rage, even though there’s probably like less than fifty days a year when sunglasses are merited by people with normal light sensitivity. This sums up my feelings about the lunacy of the Portland Character about as well as I care to think about it. WHY CANNOT I STOP THINKING ABOUT IT??

I’m getting frantic the way I do when I’m up north, in PDX or it’s superior northern twin Eattle-Say. In the spirit of the fair cities and the astonishing array of legal mind-altering beverages available on every corner in both towns, the next section will be in the form of linear/non-linear notes that may or may not make a whole lot of sense to other people.  But if you can’t, like, respect my artistic intent, then you can like, just, go back to California or Omaha or wherever man. But before you go, can I borrow five bucks?

Portlandia/not that funny/kinda like Portland/was this a really time-consuming meta-joke?/if so, count me out/turns out it’s really funny/got better after the first few episodes, they found their groove/wanna bone Carrie Brownstein

However chuffed I am on the place, some  awesome shit has happened there/Here’s a story from the D Blues tour which took me to fair Portlande Towne for the first time in January 2001/Played a party in SE at a house formerly owned by a band called .30-06. Place is still called .30-06 house (how cool is that band name??)/After show I feebly attempt to flirt with random girl leaving the party by asking idiotic “What’s up with the cold?”/Her response was “It’s the northwest”/Later I ate falafel for the first time. Does any of this actually mean anything??

BACK to somewhat less bananas reasoning, the malevolent, Green River Killer-esque mood I was brooding on earlier led me to coming up with the notion that whether or not I crave darkness, I can’t seem to fucking avoid it, and I have learned to accept this. I deal with it primarily by harboring a very dark sense of humor, and though I can be a sensitive, even touchy person myself, I do admit to a perverse pleasure in pushing people past their limits of comfort with my at-times sick thoughts and inappropriate jokes. Is it thus that I cannot be with anyone who does embrace the darkness in life the way I do?

Tempting to take a poll, but how, given the one-way nature of our communication, reader?

If yes, dial 867-5309.

If no, do the same.

I can make light-hearted jokes, and I do all the time.

Please help me focus on the light within me by letting go of yr fears of my dark aspects.


1:01AM (no joke, wow, strange…) 3/20/12, home, astonished that this all seems to have tied together reasonably well, optimistic about spring!!


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